Put in the world's most complicated application on Monday (yesterday) and got an email inviting me to interview today. The interview is on Friday. I have to teach a 1 hour lesson on clothes and I'm bricking it. Because I'm trying to think of something fun and motivating for boys to do. Because the standard dressing up dolls probably won't appeal. I'm only guessing.

Also have an interview with a supply agency tomorrow. Fingers crossed, eh?

what can i say? i love him. i couldn't hurt him. but i think i've hurt him more by doing things this way rather than the alternative. and i've hurt myself in the process. but, you know... he's the happiest man in the world right now, so perhaps a little hurt is worth it.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you wished you could be *in* love with them? I feel like a complete cow and just wish I felt that way. I mean... we have so much in common and there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other, and there's undeniably something there... everyone comments on it. But I can't. It just doesn't work that way for me. And I wish it did. Life would be so much simpler if it did.

This is chapter nine. The plot thickens... and then thins again. A lot happens, but nothing happens. Barely makes sense. I almost feel I should expand on the "Helen thinking everything is happy and normal" stuff, so that we get the contrast. Thoughts?


( Chapter Nine )

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( Chapter Ten )</div>

In addition to my victorian beading project, I started a new project today and made a load of charms. The largest is the size of my thumbnail. Enjoy....

Yepp, I did it again. This time the fic was about Nikola and his pigeons. The MMoM crew are going to think I've lost the plot.

Oxford was fantastic. Mind blowing. I wish I had spent longer there and gone on a day when most of the colleges were open to the public, but you know what? The thing I was most interested in was the routes and lanes. Colleges I can get pictures of on the internet. And I wanted to see Old Old Hall, the original building of Lady Margaret Hall that opened in 1878.

I actually went to do that illegally, posing as a student so I could walk round the college. But I got lost and was NOT giving up. And the porter was amazed that I knew so much about the history of the college and promptly got the special keys (Old Old Hall is not usually accessed by the main door, but the porter wanted to give me a completely authentic tour of the house as it was!) and gave me my own private tour, showing me where they still have the original wallpaper and flooring and which rooms would have been which in Victorian times and so on. Absolutely AMAZING.

Anyway, I have Oxford pictures (nothing special or pretty, just shots for fic reference!)  and a map showing where those pictures are and angles they're taken from, as well as a couple of the house. http://ficresource.webs.com/fivesoxford.htm

Enjoy!

My lovely historian friend is a gem! She's not only got tonnes of books and resources on Victorian fashion, underwear, accessories and history, but she's got guns! I've just been sat playing with her Colt Government 1911 A1 and her son's Walther PPK (James Bond's gun!). We were playing with the rifles earllier before.

It's nice to get a feel for the recoil on the weapons and so on. And the weight of them.

finding the information i want is an absolute bitch sometimes. damn me for being so anal. the fucking building i've been describing in all my fics is talbot building, not old old hall, so i'm trying to find a picture of old old hall so i can work it out. of course, i could just wait three days til i drive to oxford and take pics myself, then write... but the muses won't hush.

One of the things that frustrates me so damn much is the inconsistency in the history of women at Oxford. Some sites claim that LMH opened in 1878, but only admitted 9 students that year before opening properly in 1879, and other sources claim that it opened in 1879 and that's when the first building was completed.

So do I go with 1878 or 1879? I can't get round it, I need the date in the story. Unless I went for a woolly "it was the 1870s...." Which I guess could work.

The other thing is..... Oscar Wilde. Sounds daft, but I just have this absolute extreme urge to place him in there. Not as a main character, not as anyone Helen speaks to, just as a cameo, as it were.... but it would have to be 1878 for that to work, because he graduated that autum. Sigh.

So do I bite the bullet and have it potentially slightly historically inaccurate? I mean, after all, this IS an alternate reality, right?

I'm participating in this year's MMOM (merry month of masturbation) which is a fic writing exercise. 31 fics around a single theme, any fandom. Done a couple of Ashes to Ashes, one Dr. Horrible, and mainly Sanctuary.

I missed yesterday, because I was at karaoke and Star Trek, so I wrote and posted two today. The first one is a bit of a webisode inspired Ashley piece. Fair enough. Had to write something. The second one? A three verse poem about Nikola Tesla.

Shoot Me. Shoot Me Now.

Going for brunch at Tony's to try and get the muses lubricated. Been a while since I went over there, but it usually works!

My mother just showed up.

On my doorstep.

I'm not totally convinced I'm awake yet.

Seriously, I must be dreaming. Or having a nightmare.

My mother. On my fucking doorstep!

She yelled at me in the middle of the street, helped me (partially) clean my car out, took me for lunch, gave me twenty quid and then left.

End of story.

I'm currently sat in a pair of comfy shorts, a vest top, with a plate of fried chicken, chips and beans and, to top it off, my TV tuned to BBC 1 for Ashes to Ashes... on in about 25 minutes. I'm suffering a severe lack of chocolate, but I don't want to get dressed to go get any. So I think I'll deal with it. Nod.

You know... I love being single sometimes. Awesome stuff.

It's not often that I quote musicals in my journal entry titles, but today I think it's appropriate, seeing as the topic of discussion is fame.

When I decided to be a teacher, what was it that drew me to the profession? When Zesh decided to become a doctor, what was it that drew him? When Chris decided to become a professional musician? When Laura became a vicar, when Cammy became a lawyer?

Well, for me, it certainly wasn't the marking. And I assume that telling parents that their son or daughter passed away during surgery wasn't Zesh's motivation. I can hazard a guess that spending hours reworking that symphony rather than performing it wasn't on Chris' mind. Just like I'm sure that funerals weren't the attraction for Laura, and aiding the guilty wasn't it for Cammy.

But despite that, we're not naive. I knew that the planning and marking came as a package deal with the teaching and helping young people to grow and develop. Zesh knew that he wouldn't be able to save every patient to cross his path. Chris knew that he would have to slave for hours to reach that one minute of perfection. Laura knew that helping people find their faith had its trials and tribulations, and Cammy knew that as much as she wanted justice, she would have to serve whoever could pay the price.

In the same way, it's not the fame that actors sign up for, it's not the screaming fangirls and the constant media attention.... they do it because they love to act, love to slip inside someone else's skin for a few hours, love to entertain people, make them smile...

So it annoys me when I see websites like MSN slam those actors who dislike the "fame" aspect of their job. MSN UK spent yesterday criticising Keira Knightly because she's disgusted by the way she's constantly torn apart by the media, every time she steps onto the red carpet. It annoys me when I see people taking the mickey out of Robert Pattinson who panicked and ran when the fangirls tried to maul and accost him, chasing him and asking him to bite them. It annoys me when I see people criticising Lindsay Lohan for doing nothing more or less than any other young girl out there, partying and having a few drinks, arguing with her friends and then getting upset when vicious lies are spread over the tabloid pages.

Keira Knightly just wanted to act. She wanted to do a job that she loves, wanted to bring things to life for people. She's not naive, she knew that the fame thing would mean she'd get torn apart by the media. Doesn't mean she has to like it, though.

Robert Pattinson signed up for a film that looked like it was going to be cool and very successful. He knew he'd get the fans, but he didn't exactly want girls to be exposing their necks to him and blurring the line between fiction and reality.

And Lindsay Lohan... She may not be making the best choices in the world, but who does at that age? And, you know what? She's hardly "going off the rails" as some people put it. I did far worse at 17/18/19. She didn't ask for her entire life to be put under scrutiny.

Admittedly, I'm one of those people who goes to a convention and expects an actor to smile, say hello and be polite to the fans. After all, if they've shown up, they're technically on duty. If I get an actor who is rude and sulky, that's a huge black mark in my book. Sure, even actors have bad days, but a curt bit of eye contact and a nod is only polite if someone has travelled almost 6000 miles to see you. Not asking for a smile, not a conversation, not even a hello. But that's a rant for another day.

Thing is, acting is just a job. It's a cool job and it definitely has its perks. But it's also a hard job and has its disadvantages as well. Very few people love every single aspect of their working life and it's no different for an actor.

So if one of them says that they don't like being famous, that doesn't mean they're ungrateful or they don't like their job or that they don't know how lucky they are. It simply means that there is an aspect of their work that they don't particularly enjoy, just like the rest of us. It simply means that they are human and not these strange, immortal demi-gods on pedestals that so many of the world's population seem content for them to be.

I've cracked open an old fic and am working on it. It's Happily Never After, the fic where the child is projecting Fairy Tales into reality. Couple of soundbytes that made me smile below

( Mainly for Elly and Kat )

I'm probably going with the floor one. It's still Sanctuary but less busy. Apparently people like less busy. But I've been playing with rounded edges and things....










Thoughts? (bear in mind that these still need neatening and the rest... just mockups)

Still working on the awards. I think I'm going to go with the floor / cell one because it's simpler and cleaner. I much prefer the original but general opinion from my RL friends is that it pulls your eye from the text too much.

I'm currently housesitting for one of the girls while she picks her daughter up from school. I think I might be able to get her into Sanctuary now that Chris Heyerdahl has been cast as Marcus in New Moon.... if I can drag her away from her Twilight obsession long enough. I'm more intrigued by Dakota Fanning and Cameron Bright being cast as the Witch Twins. Interesting stuff.

I'm struggling with writing at the moment generally. I've come up with a May fic challenge and it migt spark my interest somewhat in terms of writing.... we'll see.

One of the girls with whom I went to primary school just posted a rather funny link on Facebook and I thought I'd share....

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/tesla.html

Voting's closed on the Sanctuary Fiction Awards and I'm trying to do the preliminary tally (I say prelim because it does need verifying) but the thing effing hates me. Every time I go and list the 1st and 2nd places, it refreshes and wipes all my data. I might give up and do it in a doc and email it to the relevant parties for verification.

I just feel really bad because the other parties in question are down at the moment and I don't want to do the whole "can you check this? can you make banners?" stuff but I can't not do it.

I'm, to use her phrase, fretting.

I can't shut my stupid brain up and it's really, really driving me mad. There's so many things I want to say, but I can't. I'm too worried about putting friendships in jeopardy and so on, but I really want to let rip. About several issues.

Things in life rarely go perfectly. We're very, very seldom fortunate enough to be in that wonderful, blissful position where we feel comfortable and able to try things without it being a risk.

Nope, I'm starting. I told myself I wouldn't start.

I sat and vented at Hans tonight. If resulted in a rather ironic version of "Walking on Sunshine" sung whilst in floods of tears. Somewhere along the line he must have touched a nerve, but I'm not sure where, how or why. Not tears of sadness per se, because that would suggest an attachment beyond that which I feel. More tears of frustration and anger at the whole situation. He told me that he was surprised, because in all other situations I'm very, very ballsy, and he found it odd that I was so worried and fretful over this topic, unwilling to act as if trapped in a stalemate.

And it is a stalemate. I daren't act for fear that it will cause discord, though the other part of me just wants to vent because if the friendship is that strong, it can withstand a little honesty. How much am I really willing to put on the line?