Just all over the moon squee-y at the moment. Forgot what this feeling was like. Been unhappy for so long. Which is ridiculous, I suppose. But still. Happy = Good.

Someone I thought was really attractive and admired from a distance for quite some time (read 3 years) and thought was way out of my league... well, that's all the details you're getting. But I'm very, very happy.

It's one of those "want to sing it from the rooftops" moments. But not yet. Far too new and shiny to tarnish with the pressures of public knowledge.

I'm taking a quick break. I'm making chocolates for AT4. You see, there's this chocolate party thing, that's fast becoming tradition and you take local chocolates and then swap them for chocolates from around the world.

Well... both the local places that produce chocolate near me are now nationally available brands. So what's the point?

However, my mum is a trained chef and confectioner who used to work for one of those local places - Thorntons - and for years she used to make boxes of homemade chocolates as Christmas presents.

Well, firstly, I don't have my mother's talent. And secondly, seeing as most of the chocolates involved at least a year's preparation (that's the time it takes to soak cherries in brandy and so on), I couldn't do the fancy ones.

So I'm doing marzipan battenburgs, which are little pieces of marzipan that are coloured and shaped to look like battenburg cake. And I'malso doing dark chocolate rum truffles. Because they're nice and easy. Nod.

This is what I'd write.

One of my very good friends is a lecturer in Law at a local university. She's a wise woman and, when discussing her subject, she had the following to say:

"For every right there is a corresponding duty."

Law is not just a case of our rights as individuals, but our duty to others and our communities. It is not something we can only call on when we want retribution or money, it is something that we should abide by in order to prevent these things from happening in the first place. It all goes back to the idea of "do unto others".

The reason I've been sat churning and chuntering over this particular thing is because of the recent slurge of Sanctuary related spoilers. I'm absolutely disgusted by people's complete lack of decency with regard to this. Ok, so Twitter doesn't really allow for Spoiler Tags or anything, nor does Facebook (unless it's in a note with a Spoiler Warning introduction). But people should still understand that not everyone gets to see the episode straight away.

How does the right and duty quote apply?

I have a right to remain unspoiled for Sanctuary. If I don't want to hear about spoilers and so on, then I should be able to browse my normal websites without seeing spoilers, if I choose not to go in search.

You have a duty not to spoil me for Sanctuary. This means that your spoilers should remain under LJ cuts, or your Facebook statuses should be mindful of the fact that UK audiences don't get the show until monday, unless they want to partake in illegal activity. And furthermore, your own compatriots may not get the chance to catch up for a few days.

To have someone say that they haven't posted about Sanctuary because "people have been whining" is absolutely disgusting. To imply that those who wish to enjoy their basic right of remaining unspoiled are being completely unreasonable! Quite frankly, your opinions about the show and detailed analysis of certain aspects are NOT and NEVER WILL BE more important than other people's enjoyment. As important, maybe. But not more important.

The self-importance of these people who consistently choose to spoil others irritates me greatly. What on Earth gives them the right to behave like that? What on Earth gives them the right to say that we are being unreasonable to ask for a simple cut tag or for spoilers to be hidden? We're not silencing people, we're not telling people that they can't enjoy the show. We only ask for a little kindness, thought and respect.

And most of all, I'm disgusted that the people who say these things, or imply these things, are people I consider (or perhaps considered) to be friends. And disgusted that these are people who preach the message of humility, compassion and love.

He's now trying to claim that he only ended it because he knew that I would never be happy with him. This is a lie. It was about sex. He said that it was about sex. And children. But mainly about sex. Just trying to make himself feel better and look like a martyr. I called him on it and he apologised. I explained that what I wanted and needed had never been part of the conversation, because I wouldn't let it be. It was his decision to make and I wasn't going to let him bully me into making it for him. But he asked me, because he couldn't stop torturing himself, what I needed and wanted. Could he have ever been that person?

This is what I said.

What I needed? I needed space. I needed someone who could accept the fact that I'm not especially affectionate and cuddly in a relationship. I needed someone who could lead their life independently whilst I led mine, occasionally coming together. Someone who could go away and do their own thing, who had their own interests. Someone who could respect the fact that I have friends who have opinions different to their own. Someone who could stand their ground in a debate and was intellectual enough to have intelligent discussions on ethical and political issues. I needed someone who would make the effort to telephone me when I had no minutes / credit, instead of always relying on me to make the effort. Someone who understood the pressures of my job and wouldn't expect to see me during term time, perhaps not for six months at a time. I needed someone who would take time to get to know me instead of falling in love with some unrealistic fantasty version of me and proposing on a whim. And tied into that, someone who would listen to me and the sort of things I like and don't like. Someone who understood my past and who wouldn't allow me to use it as mitigation, but at the same time, someone who would respect the personal boundaries I need.

To me, none of these are qualities that should be unattainable or out of reach. Actually, it's just what I expect from any partner.

It's funny. I have never thought of any of this as 'excessive' or 'unrealistic'. All my previous partners (well, bar one who wasn't all that bright) have sort of met these basic standards. So what the hell is so difficult to understand? Am I asking too much?

 

I got an email from my agency today. They were under the impression that I only worked 2/3 of the day, so were going to dock my pay accordingly. Once flagged, my consultant phoned the school, who informed them that I did all five lessons, and so the agency is going to give me full pay for the day's work and they also paid me plenty of compliments... which is also a nice ego boost.

So yepp... more money and still in good books. Looks like an all round winner.

Back to Dollhouse.

*points to title* Exactly what it says on the tin.

This isn't really a rant or anything else, and I know how lucky I am, but I just feel a little ruffled all the same.

I'm lucky. I get paid more per day than some of my friends get paid a week. One day's pay for me is almost double what the government says I need to live on, so if I have one day's work, I don't receive job seeker's allowance (Completely fair. For most people, it's only when they've done more than 2 days of work, though). But anyway... what I'm saying is that I'm well paid for what I do, and I'm not complaining about that fact. I also realise that what I'm going to say next is going to sound incredibly spoiled and petty, but I'm still a little narked.

I got a phone call this morning asking me if I would like a "day's pay" at a school quite a distance from where I live. I was told that I wouldn't be needed until 9.30 and don't worry about getting in til then. I arrived at 9.20, though the school didn't put me to work until 9.50. It was a tough school but you know, you do it because you know that you're getting paid an obscene amount for what is, essentially, glorified babysitting.

But when I got home now, I checked my emails and found my confirmation email about the job today. I've had about £35 knocked off my pay, on the grounds that I didn't work the entire day. Now... first of all, I was advised when first signing on with the company that they only paid in full and half days, not by the hour. Secondly, the fact that in the morning I was told it was a 'day's pay'. I was not advised in the slightest that I would be getting a £35 reduction.

As I say, I was still paid well for the day. I know this and I'm grateful. But it is extremely irritating to find you have not been paid what (you thought) you'd agreed to.

Blurred Boundaries for Teachers (The Guardian, 23rd September 2009)

( Musings )

Wish I could put all this stuff into words... but there's people I don't want to read and the people I really want to talk to... I just feel so stupid and ashamed. Grrrrrr!

O the plus side.... I'm waiting to hear about a potential job. I'm not holding out much (any) hope, seeing as it supposedly starts on Wednesday, but seeing as my name was only put forward / job only advertised on Thursday, it is, according to my consultants, a possibility.

Well, my fiancé is at work right now, so I can probably get away with a little ljing without the constant looking over my shoulder. If he reads, he reads, but I don't like him reading whilst I'm actually doing the writing, it makes me double take and adjust and not really write like I normally do. Social filters are not always good things.

It was my birthday yesterday and I was absolutely overwhelmed by the number of well wishes and so on, especially given that I've pretty much disappeared and not been online as of late. I'm trying to rectify that because I've realised just how much I've let friendships slide. I've become exactly the person that I loathe - so wrapped up in a romance that I don't pay attention to the outside world. It disgusts me that I've become that way.

The day was ok, though. Hans was supposed to have finished work by lunchtime and then we were going out for dinner and having a romantic night in.... but he got stuck at the office and my mum decided to drive the hundred miles down to see me. Ugh. I thought I was going to have a mother free birthday. (on the plus side, she approves of the engagement ring, and I didn't think she would). In the evening we sat and watched season one of Spaced with a pizza. Yeah, not really a romantic night in.... but very us!

Gifts wise... I got gifts from the family before I left. So I got money for new underwear (yay!) and a new sat nav (seeing as I'm supply teaching, I've been stealing my mum's sat nav to find all the different schools). So I was very excited. Exactly what I asked for. And I got the traditional lottery ticket as well (very long story there. MAy have told it another year).

My sister gave me a bottle of the new Hugo Boss Orange perfume along with the matching body lotion (mainly because it came free with the perfume... but still!). It is gorgeous. I'm funny with perfumes because most of them react badly on my skin and smell really bad. There are only about four I can wear. This one is gorgeous because it smells like orange blossom for the first few hours, then fades to vanilla as the undertones come out. Really yummy. And lasts forever (which is nice.... even the good ones don't usually last that long!).

Hans' parents gave me this gorgeous fluffy sheep pencil case... as a joke. Thing is... despite the "joke", it's a pencil case I've genuinely wanted for ages now because I collect sheep. It's amazing. His parents are away at the moment, so I sent a text to say thank you and his mother thought I was taking the piss because I was so effusive!

He gave me this book by Philip Glenister about the seventies and eighties. It seems to be written in the style of Gene Hunt as well, which is hilarious. I'm going to have to train him out of giving me random books though... he gave me "Physics of the Buffyverse" a couple of months back and I was sort of left going, "ummm.... yeah.... thanks." Apparently he's got me something cool and geeky but, in true internet shopping style, it hasn't arrived yet!

Kelly and Nigel bought me dinner and drinks on Sunday and also this cool light up squishy goo ball thing. I can't really explain it... but it's awesome and silly.

Changing the topic slightly.... engagement.

See, this is my little corner of the universe where I feel I can be completely upfront and honest and no-one's going to judge me. Facebook has work colleagues and so on, forums are far too.... my LJ you're only really going to find if you're looking for it. It's not just something you stumble on. I could friends lock it, but meh. At the end of the day.... if he reads this, so what? I've said it to him to his face numerous times.

It all seems far too soon and far too fast. Yes, we've been friends for a while now, but being friends with someone is very different to being in a relationship with someone. And being in a relationship with them can be very different to living with them etc.

I'm not an easy person to date. I'm moody, aggressive, I get stressed easily, I can be lazy and messy and I'm just not an easy person to get on with. I need space and lots of it. Hans likes to be constantly around and cuddly and so on. He's my complete opposite in that respect (we had a huge row the other week when I was crewing at LFCC and he decided to follow me round like a puppy whilst I was working).

But despite being friends and so on, we've only been together together for a few months. It really is not long enough to even consider getting engaged. I was talked round by his friend Kelly, his parents, my parents, and my friends Laura and Amanda. Who all said that we can take it easy, have a long engagement, that they always knew we'd end up together etc, etc.

I think my biggest fear is that I'm usually the one who is way more into it and thinking of settling down etc.I'm the one that falls in love stupidly quickly and gets carried away. And yet, here I am worrying that it's too soon and everything else. That doesn't sit right with me. It really doesn't.

I do want to marry him, I do want to spend my life with him, have children with him and everything else... but not quite yet. But that, as all our friends and family keep pointing out, is what the engagement is for. It's a "Yes but not yet..."

So I'm engaged and still very torn on how I feel about things. We won't be getting married until 2011 at least (Well... I want more than a year because I've pretty much said that I want to be able to get used to the idea of being engaged before I start planning a wedding! That and we'd both love to do SDCC as a honeymoon. Yupp, we're geeks).

Anyway... I'm off to play on the Sims 3. Evil game but very cool and fun!

I promised Kat and Elly that I'd update around my birthday, so I'm doing so. I've not got a proper job, I'm doing supply work. Currently back in Dunstable with Hans. We got engaged this morning.

Put in the world's most complicated application on Monday (yesterday) and got an email inviting me to interview today. The interview is on Friday. I have to teach a 1 hour lesson on clothes and I'm bricking it. Because I'm trying to think of something fun and motivating for boys to do. Because the standard dressing up dolls probably won't appeal. I'm only guessing.

Also have an interview with a supply agency tomorrow. Fingers crossed, eh?

what can i say? i love him. i couldn't hurt him. but i think i've hurt him more by doing things this way rather than the alternative. and i've hurt myself in the process. but, you know... he's the happiest man in the world right now, so perhaps a little hurt is worth it.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you wished you could be *in* love with them? I feel like a complete cow and just wish I felt that way. I mean... we have so much in common and there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other, and there's undeniably something there... everyone comments on it. But I can't. It just doesn't work that way for me. And I wish it did. Life would be so much simpler if it did.

This is chapter nine. The plot thickens... and then thins again. A lot happens, but nothing happens. Barely makes sense. I almost feel I should expand on the "Helen thinking everything is happy and normal" stuff, so that we get the contrast. Thoughts?


( Chapter Nine )

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( Chapter Ten )</div>

In addition to my victorian beading project, I started a new project today and made a load of charms. The largest is the size of my thumbnail. Enjoy....

Yepp, I did it again. This time the fic was about Nikola and his pigeons. The MMoM crew are going to think I've lost the plot.

Oxford was fantastic. Mind blowing. I wish I had spent longer there and gone on a day when most of the colleges were open to the public, but you know what? The thing I was most interested in was the routes and lanes. Colleges I can get pictures of on the internet. And I wanted to see Old Old Hall, the original building of Lady Margaret Hall that opened in 1878.

I actually went to do that illegally, posing as a student so I could walk round the college. But I got lost and was NOT giving up. And the porter was amazed that I knew so much about the history of the college and promptly got the special keys (Old Old Hall is not usually accessed by the main door, but the porter wanted to give me a completely authentic tour of the house as it was!) and gave me my own private tour, showing me where they still have the original wallpaper and flooring and which rooms would have been which in Victorian times and so on. Absolutely AMAZING.

Anyway, I have Oxford pictures (nothing special or pretty, just shots for fic reference!)  and a map showing where those pictures are and angles they're taken from, as well as a couple of the house. http://ficresource.webs.com/fivesoxford.htm

Enjoy!

My lovely historian friend is a gem! She's not only got tonnes of books and resources on Victorian fashion, underwear, accessories and history, but she's got guns! I've just been sat playing with her Colt Government 1911 A1 and her son's Walther PPK (James Bond's gun!). We were playing with the rifles earllier before.

It's nice to get a feel for the recoil on the weapons and so on. And the weight of them.

finding the information i want is an absolute bitch sometimes. damn me for being so anal. the fucking building i've been describing in all my fics is talbot building, not old old hall, so i'm trying to find a picture of old old hall so i can work it out. of course, i could just wait three days til i drive to oxford and take pics myself, then write... but the muses won't hush.

One of the things that frustrates me so damn much is the inconsistency in the history of women at Oxford. Some sites claim that LMH opened in 1878, but only admitted 9 students that year before opening properly in 1879, and other sources claim that it opened in 1879 and that's when the first building was completed.

So do I go with 1878 or 1879? I can't get round it, I need the date in the story. Unless I went for a woolly "it was the 1870s...." Which I guess could work.

The other thing is..... Oscar Wilde. Sounds daft, but I just have this absolute extreme urge to place him in there. Not as a main character, not as anyone Helen speaks to, just as a cameo, as it were.... but it would have to be 1878 for that to work, because he graduated that autum. Sigh.

So do I bite the bullet and have it potentially slightly historically inaccurate? I mean, after all, this IS an alternate reality, right?